;
THE GOLF CLUBS
The Day at the Zoo"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don’t you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn’t you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I’d remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
;"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with
pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
;"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you’d let her play
with my golf clubs, too.""Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She’s left-handed."
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.;
The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.;
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.;
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
Wow, I never realised us guys were such bastards, wonder how
many woman rules there are!
Rules To Being A Man
1.Don't call, ever.;2.If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.;
3.Lie.;
4.Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike";
5.If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.;
6.Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go out with me?;
7.Drink MadDog;
8.Play with yourself. Talk about it.;
9.Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.;
10.Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.;
11.Lie;
12.Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask.;
13.Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.;
14.Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.;
15.If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality.";
16.If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises.;
17.TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. 18.Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.;
19.One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.;
20.Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.;
21.Say things like "Wha...?";
22.Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.;
23.Lie;
24.Deny everything. Everything.;
25.Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me.";
26.If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.;
27.Don't have a clue.;
28.If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.;
29.Yes means no.;
30.If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.;
31.If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.;
32.Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.;
33.Feelings? What feelings?;
34.Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant.";
35.Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.;
36.Lie.;
37.Keeping house is OUT OF THE QUESTION-live in filth. Babes love this.;
38.DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day.";
39.Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.;
40.At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia.;
41.If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.;
42.Lie.;
43."Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.;
44.A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.;
45.Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again.Repeat cycle.;
46.Lie.;
47.ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.;
48.If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.;
49.Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.;
50.Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. 51.It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.;
52.Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.;
53.Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.;
54.Lie. 55.Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 56.Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.;
57.If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.;
58.You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.;
59.You are male, therefore you are superior.;
60.Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.;
61.Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.;
62.Don't ever notice anything.;
63.If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.;
64.Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.;
65.Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.;
66.LIE;
67.If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.;
68.Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?;
69.If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know.";
70.Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.;
71.Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.;
72.If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.;
73.Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.;
74.If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.;
75.Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex.Compare with others.;
76.Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.;
77.Lie.;
78.General Rule: Different is BAD.;
79.If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.;
80.Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.;
81.If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?";
82.Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.;
83.Lie.;
84.If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.;
85.When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then.";
86.Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.;
87.If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.;
88.The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.;
89.Practice your blank stare.;
90.Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.;
91.If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.;
92.If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.;
93.Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby,I was BORN like this!";
94.Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.;
95.Beer. Then more beer.;
96.Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.;
97.One word: FOOTBALL!;
98.Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???;
99.Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".;
100.LIE.
~~~|M-v-W|~~~THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 MaaloxSEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 nappingDRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jetDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slaveHOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 BarbiWHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wigFAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shoppingDRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shoppingDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a manHOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the CatWHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfastE D U C A T I O N . C O U R S E S . F O R . W O M E N
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It s Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMT: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don t Like To.
25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Petrol: You Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to Go in Public Toilets.
32. Learning to go to the Toilet in Pubs Without your Friends.
33. Do These Jeans Make My Bum Look Big? -Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.~~~|M-v-W|~~~
GASSY BLOKES ARE TRUMPED BY THE GIRLSSCIENTISTS have revealed that it smells worse when women break wind than when men do.
Researchers discovered that women's lower intestines have a greater concentration of bactaeria which produce whiffy hydrogen sulphide.
The means that women are the worst offenders wihen it comes to smell although it is likely that men break wind more often. Scientists in Minneapolis fed six men and ten women a diet of beans and collected their wind emissions by making them wear airtight pants. The odour was then studied by experts, who discovered hydrogen sulphide was the main cause. The gas is expelled by sulphate-reducing bacteria that live in the gut. The highest amounts of sulphate are found in foods like broccoli, cabbage, nuts and bread as well as beer and baked beans.As part of the study, eight of the 16 volunteers wore pants fitted with charcoal-coated cushions, which were found to reduce the unpleasant odour by up to eleven times. A spokesman for researchers said: "Although effective, the charcoal cushion is unwieldy. Less cumbersonme absorbtive devices could be developed."
The flatulence findings are in Gut, a specialist publication produced by the British Medical Journal. Sent in by Margaretta
~~~|M-v-W|~~~WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR*
~We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
~When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
~Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.
~We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
~We can be groupies. Male 'groupies' are stalkers.
~We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
~Taxis stop for us.
~Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
~We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
~We know the truth about whether or not size matters.
~It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
~No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
~We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
~We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
~If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
~We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.
~If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
~We have the ability to dress ourselves.
~Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
~We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.
~Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
~We'll never regret piercing our ears.
~We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
*WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR*~We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Is that before or after you've "boosted your career"?
~When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's
pathetic.
What's pathetic is that you have to attach a prosthetic limb for sexual gratification.
~Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete
idiots in women's clothes.
At least we have the legs for it (cellulite)
~We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are
still there.
But when we do, our hands don't come back smelling like a North Sea trawler.
~We can be groupies. Male 'groupies' are stalkers.
Men are stalkers because women are fair game.
~We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game.
At least a cartoon character is animated.
~Taxis stop for us.
Nope you'll find they stop for what's stuffed in your shirt.
~Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We have to kick the bucket to get a bit of peace.
~We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We don't need a handbag as a dancing accessory.
~We know the truth about whether or not size matters.
We don't care... The quicker it is. The quicker we get to the boozer.
~It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
But you can't do one night out without taking a group wee.
~No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
Black Leggings with copious amounts of Dairy Milk
~We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
The reason you don't fart is because you don't keep your mouths shut for long enough to build up any pressure.
~We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
How do you make a woman orgasm? Who cares!
~If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
The Five O'Clock Shadow is written all over your face.
~We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.
Women? Sport?....Is Chocolate Eating now an Olympic event?
~If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We just turn it into a projectile.
~We have the ability to dress ourselves.
Yes but does your bum look big in it? We'll never tell ( see chocolate )~Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
Whats the stance on pubic hair? With us it's worn like a medal.
~We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.
Rapid weight gain not being one of them.
~Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
But High Heeled shoes do... so I ask why?
~We'll never regret piercing our ears.
That's because you're too busy piercing ours.
~We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If choclate solves all your problems I wouldn't want to picture you naked.
FINAL THOUGHT. How can you trust somebody that can bleed for a week and doesn't die?
Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Cos they're ugly and they smell.
Why are women like hurricanes?
When they cum they're warm and wet. When they leave they take your house and car.
Just because we don't care doesn't mean we don't understand