Surely the Y Chromosome is not the only reason why we are constantly at war! - Some of the differences between men and women.
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."~~~|M-v-W|~~~
SPEEDING HUSBAND
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you
at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on
cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket
for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks," Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
" Only when he's been drinking.!"
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
THE ASSIGNMENT
This assignment was actually turned in by two English students: Rebecca and Gary English 44A Creative Writing Prof A. S. MillerIn-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The story begins ...
--- At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Eostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterward, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities toward the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total Shit!
Stupid Bitch!
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
What outranks a Princess?
A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said,
"In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
Stupid, Stupid Man.
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my boobs are too small.Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your boobs to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my boobs.
How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my boobs every day will make my boobs larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
Computer Support RequestDear System Administrator
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? JP
Dear JP
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologise button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. System Administrator
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
PASSWORDS
A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer responded: "Not Long Enough" Susan P. Flaherty
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
Five reasons to believe computers are male:1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
THE WEAKER SEX?
A 93-year-old woman with a "grip like iron" fought back against a robber by grabbing him by the testicles. The Lithuanian woman, who says her strong grip is down to years of milking goats, held on to the man until police arrived.Soja Popova, from Klaipeda, was shoved to the ground when she opened the door to two young men. But she fought back by grabbing the nearest by the testicles and squeezing "with all my force as hard as I could".
She told police: "He started screaming like an animal and his friend was trying to pull him free, but I have a grip like iron." The man's screams of agony and his friend's shouts for the woman to let go alerted neighbours, who called police.
The pair were caught after escaping through a bedroom window and into the street where a police car was waiting to take the injured man to hospital and his friend to a jail cell.
A police spokesman said: "They would not have got far, one of them could hardly walk and seemed pleased when he saw the police car. He demanded that he be taken to hospital because he was in so much pain.
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
Dunno who Martha is - but she can shove it!!!!
Pauline (a "Real Woman")
1)
MARTHA STEWART If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."REAL WOMEN If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes." -----
2)
MARTHA STEWART Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.REAL WOMEN - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. Throbbing, what throbbing and who cares? -----
3)
MARTHA STEWART - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.REAL WOMEN Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway. -----
4)
MARTHA STEWART
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.REAL WOMEN
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. -----
5)
MARTHA STEWART - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.REAL WOMEN - Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. -----
6)
MARTHA STEWART - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.REAL WOMEN - The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it. -----
7)
MARTHA STEWART - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.REAL WOMEN - Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. -----
8)
And finally the most important tip - MARTHA STEWART - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.REAL WOMEN - Leftover wine??
~~~|M-v-W|~~~