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Surely the Y Chromosome is not the only reason why we are constantly at war!  - 

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a
white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another
petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £3,000. Tux rental £80.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five day holiday requires only one suitcase .
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £5.00 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes
are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter what how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

Some of the differences between men and women.

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable 
garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to 
ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, 
she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite 
simple, twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose 
myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment".

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to 
expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

He asked if she had any luck with her tomatoes. "No" she replied, "but 
you should see the size of my cucumbers !!!

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

RULES FOR MEN

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately
change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the
misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from
the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to
be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not
she wants him to be angry or upset.

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

"Wedding cake."
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding cake."

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

A Smart Blond Joke!! Finally...! 
A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari., the car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"  

The blonde replies... "Where else in this city can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" 

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

RULES

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that  way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what  we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to  act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways  makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during  commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We  have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's  wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you  don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is  fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss  such topics as football, computers or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men  really don't mind that? It's like camping.

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

LOVE or MONEY?
Jackí's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other menís names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

'Diane,' he said, 'the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died'

'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied, 'I don't care where your money came from!'

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

NOT FUNNY!
A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp.

Picking it up he says to himself, 'I wonder if it's magic. I think I'll rub it and find out.'

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, 'I'm your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.' Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, 'Give me a million dollars.' So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the 'one condition'.

Next the man said, ' I'd like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast.' So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses. Finally the genie said, 'You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.' So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, 'Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.'

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death. His wife said, 'You know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose all your friends.'

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man!

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating  marriage under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained  for marriage- Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

That's right, in just six  mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an  associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look  over the program outline.

 FIRST YEAR

 Autumn Schedule:
 MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
 MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
 MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
 MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy underclothes for Christmas

 Winter Schedule:
 MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
 MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at  2AM
 MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
 EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
 EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
 ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

 Spring Schedule:
 MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
 MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
 MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
 MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
 ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

 SECOND YEAR

 Autumn Schedule:
 SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
 SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
 SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
 MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

 Elective (See Electives Below)

 Winter Schedule:
 MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
 MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
 MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
 MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
 MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

 Spring Schedule:
 MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
 MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
 MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
 MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
 MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

 Course Electives:
 EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
 EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
 EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
 MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
 MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
 MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
 ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

 Just a thought for all the women out there...  MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause,  GUYnocologist (poetic spelling) Ever notice how all of women's  problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know (and  men with a  sense of humour) and brighten their day!!!...and when we have real  trouble, it's a HISterectomy!

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

So What Have Women Actually DONE???? (SUBMITTED BY A WOMAN)

By the time Lord made woman, he was into His sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" 

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen My spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 2,000 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -- and she will do everything with only two hands." 

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that´s just on the standard model? 

That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." 

But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days." 

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." 

"Will she be able to think?” asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one" 

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" 

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride." 

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing." 

And she is!! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. 

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