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MORE PROOF. THAT YOU DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN ESPECIALLY IN A BAR.
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"~~~|M-v-W|~~~
The Moods of a Woman...
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods of a Man....
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy~~~|M-v-W|~~~
BECAUSE I'M A MAN
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for! which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. ( F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Encourage her, Believe in her, Pray with her, Pray for her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewellery, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.~~~|M-v-W|~~~
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings ... Don't block the TV~~~|M-v-W|~~~
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the selected few women who can handle the truth...
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
Five tips for a woman
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
Dutch(man) Courage
Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out with your mates, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and say: Haven't you finished cleaning yet, or are you flying off somewhere?
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to
the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you
get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game
is played.
Here is a guide to the point system =20
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow.(0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+10)
But return with beer. (-15)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.(0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.(+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her cat. (-250)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-4)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-80)
Really big breast implants. (-200)
HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner. (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.(+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and
your face is painted the colours of your favourite
team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT:
You take her to a movie. (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
And it's called "DeathCop". (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
that was featured on "Oprah". (-15)
=20
YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get
rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."(-10,000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT you say.]
You hesitate in responding to "NO". (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at
the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-5,000)
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
THE WISH
A man walking along a beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required for it to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and, how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
SWATTING FLIES
A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies,” he responded.
Oh! Killed any " she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued she asked. "How can you tell?"
He said, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
WHY ITS GREAT TO BE A GUY
1- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2- Your last name stays put
3- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
4- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6- Your orgasms are real. Always.
7- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8- You don't give a rat's ass if someone does not notice your new haircut.
9- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10- Same work, more pay.
11- Wrinkles add character.
13- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
14- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
15- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
16- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
17- One mood, all the damn time.
18- The world is your urinal.
19- A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20- You can open all your own jars.
21- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
22- Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
23- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "he must be mad at me".
27- You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
28- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
29- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 25 minutes.
30- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish................................49
Adventurous......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic..............................No breasts.
Average looking.................Mooooooo.
Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure.............On medication.
Feminist.............................Fat.
Free spirit..........................Junkie.
Friendship first...................Former sl*t.
New-Age..........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned....................No BJs.
Open-minded....................Desperate.
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.......................B*tch.
Voluptuous........................Very Fat.
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate...............Stalker.
~~~|M-v-W|~~~
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay